Lonely as I can be

To be honest, I have never felt so lonely before. I guess I can say I am so lonely as I can be. Especially after I got the cancer diagnose. I can’t talk about cancer all the time, but my thoughts are stuck with this horrible word and disease. The Corona pandemic has not made it any easier, because I could not meet up with anyone. My loneliness is worst at daytime when I am alone at home and at bedtime. Every negative thoughts you can think of are sneaking up on me, and I can’t get them out of my head.

As lonely as I can be
Almost alone on the beach

How to handle my loneliness?

I know what to do, but I cant find any relaxation in audio books, knitting, mindfulness, reading and stormy weather recordings on Spotify. But the audio books somehow fill the emptiness and the lack of people around me. At daytime when I am not exercising I watch Netflix, Investigation discovery and the News and in the background the radio is on. I just cant handle the quietness.
I occasionally meet friends. But they are busy working and got their own family. Now and then I get greetings from people I once knew. Just that makes me sick. Where have they been? Why haven`t they been contacting me before. I have actually tried to reach them but with no response.
I don’t talk about my cancer if people don’t ask. And if they are, I want to make my story as short as possible. I just need people around me.The scar on my breast is reminding me everyday what I have been going through, so I don’t need to talk about the lonesome cancer disease. I have experienced people turn when they see me or just pretend they haven`t seen me.
Work could be a solution to my loneliness but it is not an issue for me now, even though I need it. I struggle with fatigue and a burn out.

Sunny days

When I am having a sunny day, I keep telling myself that I am healthy and free from cancer. This is what I tell family and friends even though I got my doubts. But the tumor is out and the prognosis are good. I have had my radio therapy which is also curable. But I will have to take Letrozol to kick estrogen out of my body for five years. The Letrozol got side effects like depression and hot flushes. But loneliness may also cause the depression. So it is hard to tell what is what. The hot flushes come and go. A typical bed side scenario is me tired as I can be and I think the sleep comes instantly. But a little devil is turning the switch on just when I am about to close my eyes and I am bathing in sweat. These hot flushes can be very annoying, but they got a welcoming purpose.
My breast cancer treatment plan
Unhappy new year with breast cancer
As long as don`t know anyone who is in same situation as me or want to lend me their ear I am just so lonely as I can be. So I have invested in a Fitbit smart band and started to exercise. Maybe that is the solution and the way out of the depression and my isolation?

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