I am very sad to day. I woke up this morning full of plans for the day. After scrolling the newspapers on the Internet I discovered that Kelly Preston is diseased after a two years struggle against breast cancer. I met my own fear with anxiety and I could not sit still. All my plans were changed. Instead I have been trying to escape my cancer thoughts with a very long walk.
Unhappy New year with breast cancer
My BCT and sentinel node surgery
Trying to escape my cancer thoughts
I took a walk for about 10 km with an audio book to disturb my thoughts. But it failed, of course. I dont even remember the content of the chapter I was listening to. While I was walking my mother rang. She had also become very nervous on my behalf, because she had read about Kelly Preston too. What did I do then? Well, I tried to comfort her with the facts that my lump is out and that the oncologist told me I had an early stage breast cancer and so on. My mother calmed down, but my anxiety raised to a peak I havent felt for a long time. No one was there to comfort me. After my conversation I walked even faster yet again trying to escape my cancer thoughts. I get the same feelings when people ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing fine. It is just like they dont believe me. I just feel it. People forget that my breast cancer is not someone elses breast cancer. Each and everyone is treated differently.
The anxiety equalizer
Back home I found my writings, some notes I made after my meetings with the oncologists. These words are gold to me and my only comfort. But it takes a while to find this comfort and the calm to ease off the anxiety. During the day I know my writings will. Even though I did not know Kelly Preston, her death had a huge impact on my day. It feels like I am in family or related to anyone who struggles with the disease, or have died of it. In a way that comforts me too. We are many and more to come, unfortunately. We can comfort each other, while each of us comfort our family.
